Cold Blood
by Marauder-In-Disguise
Summary: Someone is suffering and the captain is the only one who can help...missing scene from 'Memorial'


**A/N Massively huge thanks to sophiedoodle for ideas that made this into something worth reading **

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would have been a very different ending. As it happens, Paramount picked the ending cause they own it. Ha. **

Kathryn lay on her bed, counting the stars as they skipped past the window. She'd optimistically changed into her night dress but didn't really expect to sleep that night. There was too much racing around in her head; concern, fear and anger. Concern because four of her strongest crew members, four of her friends, had been reduced to wrecks before her eyes. Fear because she had no idea what had caused it and anger because they might have been forced into something horrific. Kathryn refused to believe that any of the four would willingly slaughter innocent civilians and she was determined to prove that fact.

Eventually, she gave up trying to sleep and padded out to the couch for a coffee and a stack of reports to try and pass the time with. Tucking her feet carefully underneath her dressing gown, she rifled through the reports. Tuvok's weekly offering was reliably detailed and exact and she found quickly that she could not concentrate. She threw the PADD aside and sat staring into her coffee, inhaling the steam. The reactions of the away team had disturbed everyone, even Tuvok, and the meeting in the briefing room had drained them all. Harry was devastated and terrified at the same time. She'd never seen him so upset and knew that the Doctor in particular was worried about what he might do in such a state. He's persuaded Harry to take something to make him sleep, and Neelix too, who was nervous and constantly jumpy. Tom was angrier than she'd ever seen him, even including the day that she plucked him from the New Zealand prison colony. It was harder to define how Chakotay was reacting – he was trying hard to be rational but occasionally when Harry or Tom said something that seemed to get to him he shook himself and reacted. The rest of the time it was as though he wasn't really in the room. He was miles away.

Kathryn decided to go for a walk to try and clear her head. She sometimes walked the corridors late at night and imagined that the night shift had grown used to the sight of the captain wandering the lower decks in a pink dressing gown. Kathryn loved the ship late at night. The gentle throb of the engines and the other little details were exactly the same but then they were different at the same time. She felt safe at night. Walking slowly along the deck below her own, still thinking about the away team, she found herself being knocked over by a gold and black whirlwind that was, on closer inspection, B'Elanna Torres.

"Captain, I'm sorry," the engineer gasped, putting out a hand to help her up.

"Not to worry, B'Elanna," she replied, surprised at the upbeat tone to her voice, "Where were you going to in such a hurry? You're not on duty are you?"

"No," B'Elanna sighed, moving slightly to lean wearily against the wall of the corridor, "I've just been to see Tom."

"Say no more," Kathryn smiled grimly, raising her hands to stop B'Elanna, "I guess he's not doing too well?"

"Not really. He's so angry, captain and I can't get through to him. He just wants to punish himself for everything that he thinks they did down there and nothing I can say is going to stop him."

"Knowing Tom, he'll be really beating himself up," Kathryn nodded in agreement, "What you just said reminds me of what the counselor in the penal colony said the day I went to ask Tom to help me."

"He covers up sadness with anger," B'Elanna breathed deeply through her nose, "I can understand that more than anyone but he still won't let me in."

"Keep trying, B'Elanna," Kathryn put her hand on the engineer's shoulder, "If anyone can get through to him, it's you."

"Yes. I'm going to change and try and get him again when he's calmed down. How's Chakotay, by the way?"

"I haven't seen him since we got off duty. He went to his quarters."

"Oh," B'Elanna's eyes darkened as she looked away quickly, "I just thought that you'd go check on him. I'll go if you like. I just think that someone should."

Kathryn jumped in to stop her, "You're right. I should go see him. I thought he might want to be alone."

"You know him as well as I do, captain. He'll be in a worse state than Tom is right now."

"Yes. I'll go straight away. Good luck with Tom."

With that, the two of them turned and hurried off in their separate directions. As she headed for the turbolift, Kathryn chided herself. She shouldn't need B'Elanna to tell her that Chakotay should have someone with him. She should really have gone to check on him hours ago and if the Doctor found out that he had been alone for as long as he had, she'd have to listen to another half an hour lecture from the EMH. It only occurred to her when she was standing outside Chakotay's door that the Doctor hadn't told her to check on Chakotay – he'd presumed that she would, just like B'Elanna had. Shaking the sudden feeling that her friends knew her better than she thought, she reached out and pushed the button. When he didn't answer, she pushed it again and tapped her commbadge at the same time.

"Captain Janeway to Commander Chakotay."

No answer.

He never ignored her. He was an intensely private man and might not appreciate being disturbed but on the other hand, she couldn't just leave him to himself if he was suffering.

"Computer, override lock, security clearance Janeway alpha nine nine."

The door slid open. The lights were dim in the living area and she took a cautious step inside.

"Chakotay?" she called quietly, "It's me."

There was no answer. She glanced at the table, noting what looked like most of Chakotay's dinner congealing on the table. The usually obsessively tidy room was a mess, his uniform scattered as though it had landed where he had thrown it. The sight of the medicine bundle he treasured so much left carelessly open on the floor caught her attention. She bent down and gathered all the pieces together, carefully wrapping the cloth around them for protection. Something was most definitely wrong. The medicine bundle was one of the only things Chakotay rescued from the _Val Jean _and she knew how important it was to him.

"Chakotay?" she called more urgently, "Where are you?"

Only the sound of laboured breathing told her that he was in his quarters at all. She walked softly into the bedroom and found him sat on the floor next to the bed, his legs drawn up to his chest and his chin resting heavily on his knees. Her heart leapt into her mouth as she kneeled down in front of him.

"Chakotay? Can you hear me?"

"Yes," he murmured, "I'm sorry that I ignored you."

"Why are you on the floor, Chakotay?"

He lifted his head and looked around as though she had surprised him with that information, "I don't know. I don't remember how-"

"It's alright," she whispered, reaching out and taking his hands. They were cold.

"Please, stand up. You're freezing."

He stood up on his own, with her hands only guiding him and then stood limply before her. He obviously wasn't thinking straight; she noticed that his vest was on backwards and his hair was a mess. She laughed softly.

"Let's get this on the right way."

She helped him turn his vest around and then pushed him onto the bed, sat next to him and took one of his icy cold hands.

"What's wrong, Chakotay?"

"I tried to sleep," he said, his voice dull, "But I couldn't. Every time I close my eyes, I can't see anything else."

"Do you want the Doctor to give you something to sleep?"

"No," he said harshly, "I don't want anything."

"But you're suffering, Chakotay. Please, let me call –"

"I don't want anything," he exclaimed, leaping up and beginning to pace the room, "I'd rather stay awake."

"But why?"

"You don't understand, do you?" his face twisted as he put his hands squarely on his chest, over his heart, "I killed those innocent people, Kathryn! I don't deserve to sleep. What right do I have?"

"Hey!" she stood to join him, grabbing his arm and forcing him to look at her, "I don't believe for a second that the four of you killed those people and neither should you."

"But you weren't there." he choked, sinking onto the bed next to her once more, "How do you know?"

Then to her shock, he began to cry silent tears but almost as soon as he started, he stopped, as though it had been just one sudden burst of emotion that pushed its way through the barriers. In all their years together, Chakotay had never cried in front of her and Kathryn decided not to draw any attention to it. He'd be mortified enough as it was. Instead she put a comforting arm around his shoulders and held his other hand once again.

"How do I know you didn't do it? You're my friend. You're a good man, Chakotay. You're not a cold blooded killer."

"But I was," he laughed harshly, "I was in the Maquis. I killed Cardassians in cold blood. Why is this any different?"

"That's what it is, isn't it?" she said, "The Maquis were in a war, Chakotay. Wars have casualties. I'm willing to bet that you never killed a Cardassian who wasn't trying to kill you as well."

"Then why can't I sleep?" he muttered, reaching up and roughly wiping his eyes.

For a minute she couldn't think of an answer. She gazed softly at his face; he did look exhausted. She reached up and touched the dark circles under his eyes, tracing the single tear track that was the only evidence of his previous outburst. He sighed heavily and leaned into her, his head resting on her shoulder.

"Come on, lay down," she smiled, "You're exhausted. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep if I have to."

He lay down, his body giving up as he sank into the bed. She pulled the blankets up, sitting by his side as he freed his arm and took hold of her hand again.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn."

"Sorry for what?"

"For keeping you here. You can go if you want."

"Are you trying to get rid of me, Chakotay?"

"No, not at all."

"Good. I wouldn't leave anyway. Close your eyes. I'm here."

He obliged, his grip tightening on her hand as he did so. She reached out and gently stroked his dark hair, trying to soothe him. She'd babysat enough young neighbours back on Earth to know how to soothe a nightmare. He stiffened slightly as his lips formed words she couldn't hear. She hoped he was praying; he'd told her once before that he would sometimes ask his father to forgive him whatever atrocity he'd been forced to commit. If he was praying, maybe he was accepting what had happened.

His eyes snapped open, "I can't do it, Kathryn. I did it, I know. When I was holding that gun it felt just like the last time. I killed them."

"No you didn't."

"But-"

"Do you remember the day in the mess hall when Naomi Wildman was crying?"

"What?"

"Do you remember?"

"Yes."

"I remember it too. I remember how a certain person who promised me that he wouldn't be late for his bridge shift could be found telling her stupid jokes half an hour later."

"What's your point?"

"People who tell stupid jokes about targs and Vulcans to make a crying child laugh do not kill people in cold blood, Chakotay. Look, do you know what I remember most from the day that you found your Sky Spirits?"

He shook his head.

"I don't remember the name of the planet, the name of the shuttle that you lost or even being that amazed that we had found those people so far from home. What I remember is the look on your face when you told me about them; you looked so at peace with yourself and I was envious of the fact that you knew yourself then better than any of the rest of us could ever hope to know ourselves. I don't need to tell you that you didn't kill those people because deep down _you _know that you didn't do it. Am I getting through?"

His reply was a fierce embrace. He buried his face in the side of her neck, breathing hard. She rubbed small circles on his back, feeling his heart racing against her chest. She waited patiently until it had slowed down and then gently pulled away.

"Lay down, Chakotay," she instructed, arranging herself to sit next to him, "I'll stay here."

"Thank you Kathryn," he smiled for the first time, his voice stronger and more composed.

She sat with him for what was left of the night, her body pressed to his, one hand stroking his hair and the other gripping his hand. At some point she fell asleep, dozing fitfully before she was awakened by fierce muttering and shaking from Chakotay. Sweat poured down his forehead and his mouth curled in pain. When he eventually calmed down, she fell asleep as well but the alarm that went off the next morning was too early for the both of them.

"I'll join you for breakfast in the mess hall in half an hour," she offered, watching him roll out of bed and stand on slightly shaking legs, "We'll sort this out today, Chakotay, I promise. You won't have to have another night like that one."

"Thank you Kathryn," he murmured.

"Don't be stupid, Chakotay, of course-"

"I mean for staying with me last night. Thank you."

"Don't worry about it," she smiled wistfully, "I couldn't leave you alone. You mean too much to this crew and to me."

"Do you really think we didn't do it, Kathryn?" he called as she disappeared into the lounge. Her head appeared round the door for just a second.

"I'd be willing to bet my life on it."


End file.
